7 Ways Hipster Culture Will Destroy Your Life

I live in Cape Town at the moment. In case you didn’t know, Cape Town is basically the most hipster city on the planet. If you’ve never heard that then, well, that kind of proves my point.

Now, every culture thinks it’s the best culture. Or at least thinks it’s the most normal. And that’s fine. Be proud of your unique ways. But I’ve learned that getting swept up into a culture you’re not familiar with can take its toll. I went to a high school for nerds; I was the band president; I play ping-pong. All of these have a couple things in common: I’m proud of them, and they get condescending looks from hipsters. Normally I would find their contempt amusing, maybe even sad. But I’ve spent a bit too much time lately at music festivals and organic markets, and I think my insecurity is growing. My mind is being taken over, and I’m terrified. To help anyone else who might be in the same predicament…

Here’s how to recognise the hipsterness taking over and slowly ruining your life.

1. You think the purpose of having friends is only to do cool stuff with them.
Heaven forbid you do anything alone. Of course, you never say this out loud, but you are desperately dependent on your counterparts to be by your side all the time. And if they don’t want to do something, you obviously don’t want to do it either. That’s what friends are for: informing you what your hobbies are based on what you’ve mutually (silently) decided makes you look the coolest. And if you don’t have a group of attractive people around you all the time, how will you make anyone jealous?

2. You have to look cool at all times.
Even pictures of you looking ‘terrible’ should include a heavy filter and an ironic facial expression, in case anyone thinks you actually look bad sometimes. How awful.

3. You feel the need to be exceedingly judgemental at all times.
You have an opinion on everything, from the most impressive vegetable to the most appropriate times to wear a bow-tie. Then you share those opinions, all the time. If you can’t do it out loud for some reason, you make use of your loftiest frown, and then tweet about it.

4. You’re only allowed to be mildly enthusiastic about a tiny number of things.
“I just looove this new band I heard the other day. All of their instruments are made out of recycled materials and they sing in a combination of Gaelic and Latin.”
“What other music do you like?”
“I don’t like any other music. I’ve exhausted my supply of interest. Now excuse me while I sit apathetically against this vintage distressed wall. Feel free to admire my striking indifference.”

5. You have to be plugged into all types of media all the time.
Despite being an obnoxious advocate for everything green and whining about the catastrophic effects of technology on society, you still have to keep your social media reputation intact. I mean, what’s the point of doing anything if you can’t instagram it? Or even more horrific, if doing something makes you look uncool? I hope you’re not remembering that time a semi-unflattering photo of you appeared on Facebook. I’m shuddering at the thought.

6. You can’t relate to anyone that’s not a hipster.
The unenlightened members of society are just too weird or uninteresting. You would have nothing to say to them.

7. You can’t even really relate to hipsters, you just pretend that you’re too hipster to relate to anyone at all.
Let’s just lie on this hemp blanket and have a picnic of oysters and strawberries, and we’ll each talk about our love of sculptors and folk musicians the others in our group (and no one else on the planet) have ever heard of. Oh, wait – *extremely planned but calculatedly uninterested selfie time!* #picnics #goodtimes #areweactuallyhavingfun? #orarewejustpretending?

I think it’s time we took back our lives. Thanks, hipsters. It’s been fun. #notreally