7 ways to impress a hipster

I have this thing where I make fun of hipsters. It’s fun. Everyone’s doing it. You should try it sometime.

But, love ’em or hate ’em, you’ve probably secretly wanted to be one at least once. So, while making sure you’re not letting hipsters destroy your life, feel free to follow these easy steps to getting in with this seemingly aloof crowd.

1. Drink coffee properly. ‘Properly’ in hipsterspeak means organic, in a French press, and with no sugar. Ever. How dare you.

2. Wear unique, either super-tight or super-loose, second-hand clothes. If you bought it in a foreign country and in a context of soul-searching or adventure-seeking, you get bonus points.

3. Make sure you know all the popular music of the day, but don’t ever reference the fact that listening to popular music took up any of your time. Know it, don’t show it. Then, you should also get to know some seemingly obscure bands that everyone actually knows. It’s kind of an unspoken community thing. The Hipster Music Index should get you started.

4. This attitude also applies to social media, my favourite ironic hipster trait. You’re going to have to spend many minutes of your day updating and checking all the social networks, but remember, it’s not cool to spend too much time online, so don’t look like you’re trying too hard. There’s a fine line. Make sure that you at least look like you’re doing more cool stuff offline than on, and you should be good to go.

5. Use many hashtags, all of them ironically.

6. Get a hipster haircut. It has the same effect as when ants bump heads with each other and recognise that they’re from the same clan.

7. Never use the word hipster. #breakingalltherules #exceptnumber5

How to procrastinate in 13 easy steps!

We all need a little help in this area, let’s be honest. Don’t worry. I’ve got your back.

Step 1: Feel sorry for yourself. A little bit of self-pity goes a long way. This is an important first step, because it makes all the later steps easier to justify. If you feel like your life is unfair, that you’ve been handed too much work, that you should have been given an extension on that assignment – wallow in that feeling.

Step 2: Make a list of all the things you should be doing. Bonus points for several colours of pens, glitter, and anything 3-dimensional incorporated into your list.

Step 3: Gather all the things you need to do into one accessible place. Organise them – by difficulty, alphabetically, historically, whatever.

Step 4: Take a snack break.

Step 5: Tell everyone you can contact, by any means, that you have to stop talking with them to work. Start conversations just so you can end them. Make sure to thoroughly ‘end’ every conversation with well-wishing and emoticons.

[Spot check! Still feeling a healthy level of self-pity? If not, make sure to exaggerate how heavy your workload is to the friends you’re chatting to, and how little it’s your fault! That should do the trick :)]

Step 6: Take another snack break. Actually, make it a full meal. All that talk about working? Man, you’ve earned it.

Step 7: Collect your thoughts once more. Re-read the fun list you made earlier. Add some items to the list that you’ve already done and check those off.

Step 8: Update social media. Instagram a sad-faced you buried in books. Post a whiny Facebook status. Whatever works for you.

Step 9: While social networking, get distracted by something one of your friend’s posted, and follow a long trail of internet crap, like a baby groping for Cheerios on the kitchen floor. Be sure to check any facts on Wikipedia and Tweet about all your findings. Take a few quizzes while you’re in the zone. Why not find out which Gilmore Girls character you are?

Step 10: Blog.

Step 11: Maaaayyyybe start working. Open a Word document. Write the date at the top of the page in your notebook. Count how many pages of reading you should do, then subtract how many of those pages are title pages, references, footnotes, etc.

Step 12: Take a nap when you realise how much you actually have to do.

Step 13: Wake up and repeat.

You’re welcome.