This moment is strange
Inexpressibly bizarre
Here is a list of things I’m feeling
Something like global-scale vertigo
Like thinking it’s Friday when it’s actually only Tuesday
Like forgetting that your grandpa’s dead for a second and then it hitting you all over again
Like not being able to remember if you put on deodorant this morning
Over and over and over again, all the time
Protective of these neighbours I’ve never met – bunkered up in their homes, kids not at karate, Mom not working late
Just home
Trying to seal the cracks in the doorways before the storm hits
Trying not to kill each other
Gutted by imagining what it’s like to have ten times my level of worry
Curious if this would be kind of cool if I were younger
Disappointed that I now have to confront the truth:
All those projects and resolutions I said I would do if I had more time
Are not getting done
Who are we without our crutches of franticness?
Pissed that Europe passed on another bucket of shit to Africa
Confused
Mystified by the word “normal”
And all the new words in our vocabulary that have replaced it
Relieved that there is suddenly more space between me and some deadlines
Horrified that I have fewer deadlines to pull me forward out of my innate inertia
Hesitant to pray
Desperate to pray
That combination of optimistic and determined
Like when you start off on a full day of errands and the first one takes less time than you predicted
As I bake new recipes and trim my toenails and dust the shelves in my bedroom
Crippled to have opinions on how this is being handled,
Because what could I possibly compare it to?
But eager to talk about my opinions
Ready to be moved deep in my spirit by the smallest of things –
They all feel so big now –
The house around the block with the nice sidewalk chalk messages,
Compassionate innovations,
Videos of people clapping,
A well-spoken sentence by a politician
Wonder at all of this:
What will this make us into?
What did we already do for the last time without knowing it?
How long will this last? and then the sillier, heavier question:
When will we feel okay to start leaving this behind us?
What parts of this will we carry with us as a species (how strange) forever, and
What parts will slowly decompose into history?
And certainty that none of us have the capacity to process all of this
People will make spreadsheets and policies about money and food and soap
But it might take a minute for emotional protocols to kick in
So if, like me, you have the nagging feeling that no amount of podcast episodes is going to make this make sense enough –
Take a second to inhale,
Exhale,
Accept that this is nuts, but we’ll figure it out somehow
And maybe write your feelings down
(And post them on the internet…)
janellethinks 